I do it, mommy.

Tomorrow morning we'll wake up and make a big fuss. My baby will be 3 tomorrow. It's extremely hard to fathom, that 3 years have passed. My 3.3 lb baby is now 28 lbs. She's gone from 15-16? Inches (not 100% on this one unless dig out the papers) to 37 inches. She's been through SO, so much in her 3 years of life - fighting for her life early on, three hip surgeries, two casts, losing a tooth early😣. And nothing has kept her down. "I do it, mommy, I do it." And she always will. She is my baby girl and my last baby forever. One third of my heart, one reason I fought like hell to remain here 3 years ago.

She's always been that independent girl from the start. Once she figured out she could do it, we had a hard time stopping her! I'm sure her stay in NICU was similar. I remember the nurses and the hubs telling me she'd pull out her feeding tube all the time. I'm sure others did as well, but my girl's stubborn. Just like get momma (and daddy😊).

This child potty trained herself in a matter of days, got rid of her pacifier(with slight help) completely in a few days.. I'm sure she'll be teaching herself how to ride a bike soon enough! She's passionate about animals, loves her big brother, mommy and daddy, and ask her grandparents. She has a creative mind, and loves to use it. I'm amazed watching her, and her brother grow into people. Good people.

Not really a Hip post, but a PSA.. It's Flu season, again..

It deals with Pip, but it's mostly about myself. It's how Pip came into this world, the reason, the consequences, the whole shebang. It does have photos. They are slightly disturbing, in some cases. Read at your own risk. But, this is what can happen if you don't get a flu shot while pregnant. Not saying it will but it may. After all, I was one of those "it won't happen to me" people.

The last photo I took before getting sick: Halloween night, 2013.

When I got pregnant with Lainee, I was constantly sick. Morning sickness, sinus infections, but nothing I couldn't handle. At 28 weeks pregnant, around the week of November 12, 2013, I developed what we thought was another sinus infection. It started a cough, then a runny nose. A few days later I was at the point that I couldn't eat, and walking around hurt. I called into work Monday November 17th, and I also called my OB. She prescribed me a ZPak over the phone. On November 18 I had a routine ultrasound in Pensacola with Dr. Thorpe, they took my vitals and before I knew it I was in triage. They ran a test for the flu, it came back negative. And because my breathing was very labored, and my chest hurt they believed I had viral pneumonia. After what it seemed was hours, I was being admitted to the hospital. Over the next several days my breathing condition worsened. I was tested again for so many things among them the flu, a blood clot in my lungs, pneumonia, and preeclampsia. I was moved from triage to the ob floor to ICU and finally to SICU.. I went from breathing on my own to a cannula to a bipap in 4 days.

Our son Alek(2.5years), in the waiting room when I got admitted.

Around day 2 in the hospital and the hubs being goofy before things got serious.

Here is where I've been told the rest of my story. Although, I only really remember being checked into the hospital on the 18th. I don't remember seeing my parents, in laws or my son that night, either. I remember being admitted and then going to sleep that night..

Lainee(Pip): 3lbs 3.5oz 11/22/13

On Nov. 22nd, the doctors had a meeting with my husband and he was told I needed to be put on a respirator and if everything went well the pregnancy could continue. He told me he came into my room to tell me. And I was scared, but I knew that if I couldn't breathe, our baby girl couldn't breathe. He told me what the doctors were going to do and then he and my mother in law went to the waiting room.

Unfortunately my heart didn't take everything and our baby girl, Lainee, was born by emergency c-section in my SICU room. She weighted 3 lbs. 3 ½ oz. and was just 29 weeks and 2 days gestation. The hospital put her in isolation for 48 hours, the family could only see her through a glass window.

My family spent Thanksgiving in the hospital cafeteria below me and Lainee. 

The doctors had another meeting with my husband in my room, when 5 doctors show up and they have pictures of your little girl, he just knew the news was not good. I had tested positive for H1N1. I refused to get the flu shot, this pregnancy. I had a 20% chance of survival. The next few days would be critical. Instead of us being home with our 2 yr. old son and preparing for Thanksgiving, he was looking at possibly planning my funeral. Jared had to be daddy and mommy for the next several weeks. Luckily, he had his mom and our sister in law to help him along the road ahead.

I was put into a medically induced coma to let my body rest and heal. Along with the respirator I had 3 chest tubes placed. As I was healing Lainee was growing steadily in the NICU unit. She never really had any problems except being slow to take a bottle.

Christmas 2013, Two days after I woke up.

On Dec. 18th, I had a trach placement in order to help wean me off the respirator and my medications were slowly rolled back to wake me up. I was finally fully awake by Christmas Day. Getting to spend it seeing my son was amazing. January 1st, I was able to move from ICU to PCU, I was no longer on the downhill. On January 2nd they wheeled Lainee up to my PCU room. I couldn't talk to her, I couldn't touch her. I couldn't hold her. I just sat there staring at her in her isolette. She was almost 36weeks gestation, and already a month and a half old. I worked so hard during my physical therapy times so I could finally get down to the NICU to see her and hold her. Which happened on January 8th. After physical therapy every day and my trach being downsized and finally removed within a week, I was sent to rehab January 16th. I was discharged from rehab 5 days later on account I wanted to go see my daughter every day and the insurance didn't like that. I still went every few days to continue rehab as an outpatient. 

January 2nd, 2014 when I finally got to see Lainee for the first time. Big brother got to finally see her, too.

January 8th, 2014 - I finally got to hold her.

Lainee went from not taking a bottle to taking 8 bottles/a day in 2 weeks. She just needed her momma there. She was able to go home one day before her due date, February 4th 2014. Then life was normal.. As normal as it can be with a preemie who was already 2 and a half months old and a 2 and a half year old. Aleksander doted on his little sister from day one.

Home free. 02/04/14

Looking back, I wish I had gotten my flu shot. I didn't get one with my son and carried over the same season.. Never getting sick. I'm afraid of needles. That was my reasoning. That was why I put my daughter's life and my own life in jeopardy. If I could go back, I'd be getting the shot as early as I could. This year, my family will be getting theirs.


Don't risk it. Don't think it won't happen to you. Don't think you're not hurting anybody but yourself. You might save your life. Or better yet, you might save someone else's.

And done..

Today started out with me going to sleep. I always have difficulty sleeping the night before Pip's surgeries. Who wouldn't? I finally went to sleep after midnight, just to be woken up by Pip at 230 am. Was she anxious? Or restless? Who knows. She went back to sleep fairly quickly and I went back as well. 415 the alarm went off. The hubs and I got up and ready, then woke her up by 430. By 445 we were in the car and heading to Pensacola.

Check-in went fairly quickly, and as always she went above and beyond to make Pip a "princess bracelet" and let Kitty have one, too. We got to Pre-op holding and I saw one of my old PICU nurses. She must've spread the word, because a few minutes later the nurse I begged to stay with me during Pip's delivery was walking into the room. I got seriously teary eyed, it's crazy. We had to retell our story to the anesthesiologist. And we waited. And waited. Like always, everyone was waiting on Dr. Ferris, and like always he's last to show. Which is fine by me. As long as he does what he does great and no complications, let him be last to see us.

They gave her versed again, but this time we didn't have a lot of time before they came back to get her. She went with the nurse instead in the crib, and by the time we followed the nurse with the crib she was already gone through the doors to the OR. We went to the waiting room to wait for the call that they got started, then headed down to grab breakfast. 

Another hour and a half later, they called to take us back to her in recovery. Once there the nurse said she had our discharge paperwork. Wait.. Discharge? As in, go home with a new operated on child? Uhh... So Dr. Ferris came by and we talked. Bone looks great, when he did the arthrogram the hip socket looks to be forming great still. I was relieved. He also must know us pretty well, because he said the hardware was being cleaned up so we could have it. 

Discharged before noon, and not really a word about her leg. She was more worried about her IV "boo-boo" like usual. We left Pensacola and came back to Crestview, stopping at Wal-Mart  to put in her script and wait for it. We took turns carrying her around the store, where she asked for cookies, to walk, and to go potty. She only got the cookie request fulfilled. Way too soon to try to let her walk, and I was unsure about the pottying there, if she asks again while we're home we'll try it.

We came home and ate, then took a 3 hour nap - getting up at 6pm. Pip's in her bean bag chair now, playing with legos. I had to give her a dose of her heavy meds because I don't think Tylenol will be cutting it right now. She'll be bouncing back in no time. Just gotta keep the dressing on her leg on for 5 days, so we'll be living in our footed pjs until then. He'll see her back in two weeks for an Xray.

It's only uphill from here, UP.

The hardware. :)

Seriously silly.

Today we had Pip's pre-op appointment. It went smoothly, they were shocked when we told them about her tooth.

We got our time, and when to check in. 6am check in, 8am surgery. We should only be staying Thursday night, so that should be easy. No food or drink after midnight but they changed the clear fluids rule: she can have clear fluids up to two hours prior.. interesting.

I think we're opting to drive from home Thursday morning and just sleep in the hospital room Thursday night with her. We usually stay at the Ronald McDonald House, and I put in a request, but the hubs said it will be cheaper and less tasking on Friday.

This way the only day I'm missing for work is Thursday. So that's a positive. And we only need someone to look after the dogs Thursday and Friday until we get home. Another positive.

I'm still getting nervous as each day comes to a close. But I keep reminding myself it's a shorter procedure and an easier one than cutting her femur and placing it was.

The nurse also called today. She asked why it's coming out so soon.. well let's see, her bone is completely healed.. and she's getting too tall for it. It's crazy to think in only 6 months she's too tall for it, and her bone is completely healed.

Wish us luck, and hope she's up and moving quickly again. Next update will be after surgery!

There's always tomorrow..

Today was.. today. It started out okay. Pip has decided to start self potty training herself last week. What kid does that? Couple of weeks ago she half went poop at babchi's house. Then over the holiday weekend while we were in Georgia, visiting my brother and sister in law, she decided she wanted to potty at a restaurant. Thinking she wouldn't go, I humored her and took her to the potty.

She went. Then she went poop at their house a day later! Once back home she's been going, so I decided to upgrade to underwear. Only three accidents since starting that. Go Pip!

Back to today.. we took a walk down main St and then went to the park to walk there as well. Well, on main St she was in the stroller at the park I thought she could walk with us since it wasn't going to be long. We also had cups of water, which on the way back to the car I let her carry them.

Mistakes happen. I get that. I really do. But it doesn't make you feel any less horrible. It doesn't fix what happened. It doesn't make you feel any less adequate as a parent. Pip fell while walking and carrying the cups. And at first I thought she was okay. I helped her up and then I saw it. Blood. Bubbling at her bottom lip. So I scooped her up, left the cups and started toward the car when the hubs and boy were.

Half way there we were both covered in her blood. So I yelled for him to get the wipes. I half jogged up the hill to meet him at the bench. Sat her down and started wiping her mouth to find the source. Hubs said it was the corner of her lip, and the bleeding stopped so the mommy freak out mode calmed.

Until I got her into her seat and saw it. There staring back at me, showing my failure as a parent, was a gnarly blackish hole where her perfect little canine tooth should be still growing in. I got weak and sick to my stomach. This was no cut on the lip. She was literally missing a tooth that hasn't even grown in all the way yet. So now not only does my daughter had a bad hip, her mouth is all banged up too.

We went home to try to get her to a dentist. I called her pediatrician, they transferred me to their dentist. Who isn't accepting new patients until next month, so they gave me a number. Who doesn't see younger patients anymore, so they told me to call our insurance. Who gave me a number to get our list, which the closest one is 40 minutes away. I'm okay with that drive, as her orthopedic is there too. But they said that there was one in town that should take us, so I googled the place and called. Which, funny story, was the SAME PLACE I called first. I was mad. They suggested to take her to the ER so we did. Just to get antibiotics and to answer a couple of my questions, but I'm okay with that.

Pip? She's acting normal. Didn't need any pain meds. I think I'm more worked up about her baby tooth than she is. Tomorrow is another day. 15 days until surgery.

Rollercoasters

In the two groups that I'm part of on facebook for hip dysplasia, I see new moms almost daily. I was that new mom. Before finding out what was wrong with Pip, I never knew about hip dysplasia. I didn't think I had to worry about it. Then, it did happen. And I was that scared new mom seeking answers. Wanting to know. I still am that scared mom. I shared Pip's and our story once again this morning to a new mom. Ours was a late diagnosis, but not as late as some. It was too late, or maybe it was too severe, for the pavlik harness. Our only option at first was surgery and a cast. And I remember thinking that would be the only one. Hoping that would be the only treatment she needed. Then devastated when it wasn't. Then even heartbroken when we found out the brace did nothing to help and she needed another surgery.

Now, now we sit here and hope again that once this plate is removed, that's it. It'll be done.

To that new mom expierencing this for the first time.. Breathe. It's just a rollercoaster.

Some babies need minimal treatments, some need more extensive. It's a rollercoaster of a ride and you really are going into it blind. But, like most rollercoasters, the scary parts tend to be over quickly.. but may sneak back up on you later on in the ride.

Good luck mama, stay strong. Our hipsters are just that. Strong.

This chapter might be just about over...

Yesterday we went and saw the doctor to set up the appointment to get Pip's plate taken out. I had a car full of people - pop, babchi and Alek decided to tag along. When we finally got back to the room (30 minutes late), we waited for them to come get us for X-rays.

Pip wasn't too happy about "getting her picture taken". She fought me and the tech. But after the first one was taken she relaxed and stopped fighting. We looked at the X-ray on our way back to the room.. to me, everything still looked normal!

Once back to the room we maybe waited another ten or so minutes until Dr. Ferris came in. He had her walk/run down the back hallway and then it came to discussing removal. I don't know if he was being funny or thought I thought he could do it in office (I know it required another surgery) but he told me it'd be done in a few weeks, nothing later. He also said that she's outgrowing the plate. That's a scary yet reassuring thought. My once 3lb 3oz little girl isn't so little anymore. 

He left and the scheduler came in. We went over dates and I opted for the earliest - July 28th. Giving her plenty of time to be moveable more easily when her older brother starts kindergarten a few weeks later. Her pre-op is the 25th. I left the appointment feeling quite confident that this will be her last surgery.

Other than that, lil man had his vpk graduation earlier this month, and I'm trying to wrap my head around our new adventure: school age years. It makes me quite sad, also to think in a few years Lainee will be following suit. We have a busy July coming up. But probably not busy enough to distract me from the upcoming surgery.

I know it'll go easier - hey, he's not cutting bone this time! And it'll probably be her quickest surgery to date. But she'll still be under, she will still be in pain. He assures me that she'll be up faster this time though. And I'm fairly certain she will be too. She bounces back rather quickly.

Still chugging.

It's been awhile.. Pip is doing awesome still. Her incision has healed very nicely, and she milks the "boo-boo" periodically. I'm sure it does ache or feel weird in its own way but it seems like it flares up when she gets in trouble.

She's been walking nicely every since the appointment. At first I was getting very concerned because her left foot would be turned out but it seems to be correcting itself.

She still limps a bit, and I'm sure watching her people think she's a first time walker. This is one of those things that will never be noticed. Which I guess it good.. but also bad? I know going through life explaining stuff is difficult and annoying. I get looks a lot because of the scars on on my neck and arm. So I'm hoping Pip won't have to explain later on.

We recently returned from a weekend trip. And I've started taking the bink expect for naps and bedtime. So far it's been decent once she realizes she doesn't need it. Which is about an hour after I take it. That first hour is spent repeatedly asking for it and whining. My goal is to completely take it after these pins and stuff is removed. She'll be close to 3.. but I don't know if I should take that crutch away just yet..

Potty training is on my list too. I wanted to start that this week as well but I'm trying to find a schedule. I feel quite.. overwhelmed. There's so much I want to do and trying to figure out when to do it is hard. I only have so many hours in the day.. and there is certain times I need to be somewhere with school and work. And then there is cleaning, cooking and working out.. and vegging out. Because we all need to relax sometimes!

So far my stress is low. Next appointment is April 12th.

Be ~ a ~ u ~ ti ~ ful!

Tuesday we went in for a post op checkup. After a run around with the insurance company, I gladly found out that for this kind of procedure she will be covered for 90 days post op as long as it's the same area he's looking at. So that took a lot of stress off my shoulders.

This was by far the longest wait we ever had to endure. But we were last appointment. We had xrays done and apparently her leg is looking amazing! There's already bone growth! He also wanted to see her walk so he pretty much chased her in his chair while I held her hands to help her walk. We go back in six weeks.

Speaking of walking.. I guess him chasing her did something because now she's walking around with no help most of the time. She's pushing all my expectations. And to think I wanted her in a cast. Ha.

The Dr is even hoping this will be her last major surgery. Good to know that he's with us instead of saying it's unclear. It's still really hard to look at these xrays and know it's your baby's leg. Really hard.

Better than nothing..

So we've gone from crawling to walking while holding onto furniture. Amazingly... Scary. I'm still giving her the hydrocodone at bedtime, to help her relax from the day's events. But during the day I'll only give her Tylenol at nap unless she's particularly fussing over her leg.

It looks like it's healing quite nicely. Scabbing in most areas, but like it should. Her stitches, one end dissolved(we're going with that, I don't know if she pulled it out), the other.. probably got yanked. Hopefully just the tip and not the whole thing, but that part of her incision has been leaking(for lack of a better word) today. Not enough to make me alarmed but still enough to notice.

Carrying her is strange. If you hold her leg it feels like things are shifting around in there.. I hate it. Part of me(the part that should be beat with a stick) keeps thinking it's her bone. Hubs reassures me that it's probably her muscle moving against the plate and screws (which is so comforting, right?).. I'm sure if it were her bone she'd be in a great deal of pain. But she has dealt with pain thus far rather nicely.

Tuesday we'll be going in for an appointment. Probably an Xray. I'm hoping to snag a pic of it. I'm curious to see what her leg looks like now. Looking back, over the years - especially before my children, I never thought I'd face things like this. But I suppose that's human nature, right? Everything will be perfect until it's not. It won't happen to me.

Lots. Lots has happened to me in the past 5 years. Lots has happened to Pip in just two years. It's crazy. I know no one asks for things to happen, and I know it could be a lot worse. Alek could of had a serious heart problem. I could have died. Pip could face many years of surgeries. We often forget that we need to slow down and enjoy the little ifs, whens, and coulds. I'm guilty of not living in the now. I'm constantly thinking of the future and dwelling on the past. 

For if we dwell in the past when we should be present now, we can't enjoy our future, now could we?

Touché Tuesday

So, when you think everything's going great.. And then you hit that wall. That proverbial wall. Pip was up all hours last night screaming.

Like, screaming. I couldn't calm her down. I had to give her Tylenol. This whole week she'd been going to bed with one dose of the hydrocodone and nothing until the next day!

To make matters worse, the absolute horrible tights ran through my head. Did a screw pop out? Did the plate shift? I was quite close to piling her into the car and driving to the ER. But I removed her bandages and she calmed for the most part. And today she's acting normal again.

Also, Alek woke up in the middle of the night crying about his legs. That was another trip down the hallway and I'm afraid to say it.. we're out of Tylenol. He can take ibuprofen, Pip can't. Doctors orders.

Our routine is getting back to normal. We took Alek to school and went shopping then went back to get him. She sat in a chair while I cleaned the house today. Let's just hope our night will be like before and not like last night.

One week out.

A week down. Has it really been a week? Wow. Saturday we finally took Pip out of the house. Dropping both kiddos off at the in laws so we could go have a nice Valentine's day date. Originally we were going to drop Pip off in a cast. But, oh yeah, she doesn't have one!

Dinner and Deadpool was amazing, as was sleeping until nearly 9 am. Finally we went to get the kids and tried to go furniture shopping. But nothing was open so we saved that for today.

Pip did great moving around a bunch. She also, has been moving some on her own. Thursday night she rolled off the bean bag chair and got up onto her knees so daddy could pick her up. Yesterday she got off the bean bag chair and crawled over to me while I was on the couch. And today.. well. She crawled from her bed all the way to the front door.

But I've also had to change her bandages quite a few times in the past week. Highly annoying. The tape keeps getting stuck to get clothes and pulling up. Hoping to make it until her Dr appointment.

I'm sure she'll be walking real soon. She's amazing.

What's this? Day 3 post surgery.

Surgery took 3 hours on Monday. On the way back to her recovery room hubs and I seriously were betting on if she'd be in a cast or not.

Spoiler: no cast! What!? How in the world am I going to pick up my child that doesn't have a cast? I was banking on a cast.. a cast would've made this a bit easier. We know casts.

Got to her room and the nurses immediately wanted to get her up and me to hold her. I immediately regretted it. She cried the whole time until she was in my arms. I cried, too. I told them I didn't want to hold her again until tubes were removed.

I also got her to eat some pudding and drink some Apple juice. Yeah, so, thirty minutes later it all came back up. Kinda scary since she was on her back but luckily I was there. We got her cleaned up between me and the nurses.

Monday night I took Lainee duty. I slept in the chair for a bit, then on the couch. Antibiotics at midnight caused the alarm to go off at one. We were both up until two, then back up at six thirty. Starting day two was hopeful.

She watched her tab for a bit off and on throughout the day. So glad we bought it for her.

Anytime the nurse did something or we did something, she did this. Faked sleep to hopefully have us go away. Even while she was trying to eat.. drama.

The only person she was wanting to talk to was the PA. She kept wanting to show her what was on her tab. She told us that, after consulting with the doctor, some of the tubes could come out. Pip was quite pleased. The doctor stopped by to check on her finally around 6, he said everything was pointing to leaving as planned.

The hubs had that night's Lainee duty, while I went back to the Ronald McDonald house and showered and slept in a comfy bed. I got my wake up call around right 8 and he said that we're looking at discharging soon, the PA was already by.

I cleaned up our room and made my way to the hospital. About an hour later we were leaving. Lainee barely fussed when I put her pjs on (I was prepared for a cast, so all I brought was a dress and two shirts depending on temperature). And wanted daddy to get her up. Which was great. The car ride home she did great, too. Minimal fussing.

I think Pip really needed to be home. She's much more relaxed and sleeping a hell of a lot better. Figuring out where to put her though is a bit tough. We're resulting to the bean bag chair for right now. And she sat in the high chair with no problems. She's even back to sleeping on her left side.. The pressure must feel good? The swelling will hopefully go away soon, and she'll be more inclined to its moving her. She's even "helping" me change her diaper by pushing up enough on her right leg so I can push the diaper under her. She used to lift with both, so this is a big help.

Looking forward to her pain going away and her to be up again. It'll be a bit before that happens, but it'll choke soon enough. And like hubs said, there no cast.. I can go on with potty training when she's walking again. 

The day we dreaded..

This morning started with me falling asleep.. just to wake back up at 2 hours later then again 6 minutes before the alarm went off. Pip fussed most of the morning, groggy and not knowing what was going on. Got to the check in, got to the pre-op waiting room with still an hour and a half to wait.

They gave her some versed about a half hour before they were going to take her. Hubs and I got a few giggles out of that. She'd just sit there with her mouth open, staring at us or messing with my hair. She was relaxed at least. Finally time came and the nurse gave her her phone to watch Mickey mouse on as she rolled her away.

About a half hour ago, they called to say they had started surgery and she was doing fine. When we got to the waiting room, I started crying.. some lady got up from her chair and brought me tissues, shows there's still good out here.

Now, we wait. I'm really not looking forward to seeing her in a few hours. 

Stop the countdown please!

 

A little over twenty four hours and Pip will be going in for surgery again. I honestly have been feeling much less anxious than last time. I'm sure that will be a different story Monday morning. 

I had a follow up with my pulmonologist yesterday. The one that was in my SICU room when Pip was delivered. I didn't see him last appointment because he had moved offices, bit I decided to go to him this time and take him the little girl he helped save. I got teary eyed in the beginning. And we talked about how I'm doing. I still get short of breath when I talk too much or over exert myself. He wants to see me back in a year and have an X-ray done. That seems fair. Apparently, one doesn't fully recover from ARDS.. and I'm pretty well off from having it two years ago. He also checked on my chest tube sites and said they look great. The only issue I brought up was my trach scar. But he suggested plastic surgery or lasering it off.. no thanks.

I'm tired of the word. Surgery. It makes me feel like something bad will happen. I know there are possibilities, but I'd like to not think of that stuff, y'know? But being the pessimist I am.. I can never escape it.

Tomorrow hubs will go to work and I'll do some housework. Hoping Pip will let me sleep in. Brother went to pop's a day early, so I can focus on stuff. We'll see them and him Monday after surgery. Ugh. There's that word again. I'm starting to mentally cringe each time. After the hubs gets off work we'll pack up the car and head to the RMH. We'll probably be taking turns staying there Monday and Tuesday night. One of us will undoubtedly stay with Pip. I'm not looking forward to the drugged out of her mind two year old. Last time it was really pitiful to watch, and she was only six months old!

Wish us luck. Next post will be surgery day.

When will it become easier?

We're looking a 6 more days until surgery.. and the nausea has started. I can't stop thinking about it. I mean how can you cope with the knowledge that someone is going to cut your child's bone in half? How do you get past this? How do you sit there and go "oh, it'll be okay."? I'm ready for it to be done and over.

But it might get postponed. Pip has a cough still and has been running on and off fevers. She'll go to the doctor tomorrow in hopes they'll give us something to nip the cough in the butt before Monday morning. Meaning she can only take medicine from tomorrow to Sunday night. That's not a lot of time...

When will all this become easier?

Breathing will hopefully get easier..

"You don't always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens."

The mini freak outs are starting to happen. The one thing that they seem to be centralizing around is the fact the doctor will be cutting Pip's bone. I think having the previous surgery under our belt is helping with the fact he'll be cutting her open again. The previous rounds of anaesthesia and her coming out really well don't have me too worried.

I know this is what he's chosen as his life's profession. I know this isn't what he'd be doing if he didn't love doing it, helping kids. But I can't help these feelings, these thoughts. I'm sure everything will go great, but until that day. Until I'm in the recovery room with her, hearing that everything went smoothly.. I'll worry. I'll have my mini freakouts. Because I'm her mom.

So far(after this one), we're tied on surgeries. Soon, my two year old will have more major surgeries under her belt than I have had in my 28 years of existence. No one wants to think about that.

Now, letting go.. I'm letting go of the fact that this is no longer in my control. In order for her to get better, for her not to need a new hip at my age, for her to not be in pain(I hope) when she gets older.. I have to get through this now to hopefully prevent it then. I'm letting go of my emotions, per say. I'm a nervous wreck but I'm not letting that stop this surgery. I'm trying to look at this as bettering her future.

Breathing? I'm hoping it'll come soon. No one really goes into a hospital 100% ready to do this. 100% calm and collected. Things will change a week and a half from now. And hopefully for the better.

Her pre-op appointment was today. Got to Pensacola quite early so we walked around Sam's Club for a bit. Headed over and got signed in. Not even sitting for 10 minutes and we got called back. The hubs didn't even make it up from parking the car yet. Ha. In the room, he finally made it up. We went over everything and she's fine. She's still coughing but I'm sure it'll be gone before the 8th. 6am is our check in time. And Wednesday we'll leave to come home as long her pain is under control.

What are these thoughts... Reasonable?

Tonight during work, I was mopping and listening to music.. Minding my own business when these.. thoughts.. popped into my head. Now, I've been thinking about it almost daily. But these thoughts were particularly, well, depressing.

Someone is going to be cutting my daughter's bone. Cutting it. Into two. My two year old. My baby. Now, I know, people and children break bones all the time! It happens. But you don't naturally think "it happens" when a doctor tells you he'll be cutting your child's bone. You get anxious. You get scared. It's one thing that he's cutting into her. We've been there, done that. I'm nervous, yes, but I've been down that worry road. This is a whole new level of driving.

Anaesthesia? Sure, she's been under 4 times now. It has it's risks, but she's handled it so far beautifully. Surgery? Got it. New location, but the last healed perfectly, and we don't worry about our scars, they make us who we are. Cast? Nah, as much as I hate the dreaded thing I'm kinda welcoming it. This will be cast number 3 and I'm actually thinking on asking him to make it fun like two colors this time!

But bone cutting and metal hardware? That's a whole new level I really don't want to unlock. And today was one of those "Am I really having these thoughts?" kinda days.. I even envisioned myself screaming after hitting the waiting room "I change my mind! Don't cut her bone!" In that horrible, ugly, sobbing cry.

I stopped mopping, shook my head and changed the song. The thoughts went away, but I know they'll be back. Like those weird Jehovah witnesses that knock on your door every day over summer. And as the day quickly approaches, I'm sure I'll have a few more freak outs. And the insomniac in me loves to welcome all these thoughts. Just not when I'm sick. Like right now.

And as always, before surgery I try to go clear my mind with painting. I know it'll work for that night, but I think I'm starting to pick paintings that represent stages. This time it's a dandelion with all it's fluff blowing away.

Sick now, healthy later.

A few days ago our son started coughing, well almost a week ago now. Didn't think much of it because he was acting fine otherwise. Have him some cough meds and kept on our week. Tuesday night when I came home from work, the hubs informed me that Alek was running a fever. When I went in to check on him, hiss pillow was soaked in sweat. But the next morning he felt fine, so off to school he went. We went to Pip's appointment and pop picked up Alek.

He still didn't feel all to well that afternoon so I kept him home from school Thursday and Friday. Well, Thursday Pip started to run a fever and cough. Not what I wanted to be experiencing right now. But I suppose if she's sick now, we can keep her healthy more easily later.

I ended up taking both to the Dr yesterday. They both have upper respiratory infections, got cough and fever meds and sent home. Although Alek has list right since a few months ago and the Dr wanted to see Lainee after surgery. Probably curious about the cast and what not, haha. He isn't the first Dr to request a follow up after surgery.. finally got the meds into them last night before bed.

Pip woke up twice overnight coughing/crying. But she settled after the first bout so I didn't go to her. Second time I did and found reddish/brown stuff all over her blanket. In my half sleepy state I initially thought blood, so I frantically checked her all over and finally concluded: vomit. Both baby from coughing so much she threw up the first time. I gave her some more Tylenol for het once again fever and took her to my room, put on cartoons and gave her crackers and pedialyte. She asked to go back to her room and fell asleep, so I went back to bed.

The rest of our day was fighting to take meds and fighting fevers. She was so exhausted after her bath she fell asleep rather quickly. Hoping for a fever free day for her tomorrow. Alek's went away yesterday. 3 weeks and two days until surgery. Let's hope we'll be healthy enough!

Deception. Acceptance.

Found out a few things today. One is I can't stop myself from verbally spewing in conversations. I kept interrupting the poor guy when he was going over Pip's MRI. The hubs even interjected to shut me up.

Anyway.. according to the MRI, her thigh bone is completely discombobulated for lack of a better word. The femoral head is at an angle that isn't normal. When her knee is straight, the head doesn't sit properly in her socket. And so, this must be fixed. So in less than a month (3 weeks, 5 days but who's counting?) she'll be having a Varus Derotation Osteotomy. He'll go in through the thigh and clean out her socket - more on this later - and then cut her thigh bone and then use pins and a bar to put it back together. Then he'll angle it the correct way and close her back up.

Then there will be 3 outcomes. First, and most probable she'll be out in a cast. Downside: Boo, cast, hiss, heavy, immobile, awkward shaping. Upside: immobile(I'm liking this idea for two reasons - no more taking off her diapers and she won't be able to reach the wound.) Plus if she is in it she can't walk so it'll be healing a little faster I'd think.

Outcome number two, which I'm not holding my breath for. She might come out with no cast. Hubs said you should've seen my eyes when he said that! I bet shock and hopefullness were all over my face. 51/49 are the odds. Upside: no cast yay! Downside: um.. what if she tries to walk? What if she falls? She'll most likely try to pull off the bandages. :/ there's a lot of why I think I might take a cast over not, as long as it's not 4 months again.

Last outcome - rhino brace. No cast just put the brace back on her. Okay I could do this one easy. But it still gives her access to the bandages and she knows how to walk in it. Bleh. We'll cross these bridges when they come I guess.

I also found it today that he never did an open reduction. He did a closed reduction. He only cut her open to cut tendons so he could do the reduction. News to me. I was always under the impression this past year that he did an open reduction. Ugh. Made me lose a little trust with him. But not enough to go elsewhere.

So the wait begins. He said it wasn't an absolute hurry to get in there but not something to out off for months. I told him beginning of next month is good with us. We're going to Georgia at the end of this month to see family but I don't want to wait past February. On January 27th we'll go back for pre-op screening and then back on February 8th for probably a two night stay. Gotta have them fax stuff to the RMH for Sunday night, Monday and Tuesday nights. And I know one of us will stay with her the other at the RMH.