Tonight during work, I was mopping and listening to music.. Minding my own business when these.. thoughts.. popped into my head. Now, I've been thinking about it almost daily. But these thoughts were particularly, well, depressing.
Someone is going to be cutting my daughter's bone. Cutting it. Into two. My two year old. My baby. Now, I know, people and children break bones all the time! It happens. But you don't naturally think "it happens" when a doctor tells you he'll be cutting your child's bone. You get anxious. You get scared. It's one thing that he's cutting into her. We've been there, done that. I'm nervous, yes, but I've been down that worry road. This is a whole new level of driving.
Anaesthesia? Sure, she's been under 4 times now. It has it's risks, but she's handled it so far beautifully. Surgery? Got it. New location, but the last healed perfectly, and we don't worry about our scars, they make us who we are. Cast? Nah, as much as I hate the dreaded thing I'm kinda welcoming it. This will be cast number 3 and I'm actually thinking on asking him to make it fun like two colors this time!
But bone cutting and metal hardware? That's a whole new level I really don't want to unlock. And today was one of those "Am I really having these thoughts?" kinda days.. I even envisioned myself screaming after hitting the waiting room "I change my mind! Don't cut her bone!" In that horrible, ugly, sobbing cry.
I stopped mopping, shook my head and changed the song. The thoughts went away, but I know they'll be back. Like those weird Jehovah witnesses that knock on your door every day over summer. And as the day quickly approaches, I'm sure I'll have a few more freak outs. And the insomniac in me loves to welcome all these thoughts. Just not when I'm sick. Like right now.
And as always, before surgery I try to go clear my mind with painting. I know it'll work for that night, but I think I'm starting to pick paintings that represent stages. This time it's a dandelion with all it's fluff blowing away.
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