Breathing will hopefully get easier..

"You don't always need a plan. Sometimes you just need to breathe, trust, let go, and see what happens."

The mini freak outs are starting to happen. The one thing that they seem to be centralizing around is the fact the doctor will be cutting Pip's bone. I think having the previous surgery under our belt is helping with the fact he'll be cutting her open again. The previous rounds of anaesthesia and her coming out really well don't have me too worried.

I know this is what he's chosen as his life's profession. I know this isn't what he'd be doing if he didn't love doing it, helping kids. But I can't help these feelings, these thoughts. I'm sure everything will go great, but until that day. Until I'm in the recovery room with her, hearing that everything went smoothly.. I'll worry. I'll have my mini freakouts. Because I'm her mom.

So far(after this one), we're tied on surgeries. Soon, my two year old will have more major surgeries under her belt than I have had in my 28 years of existence. No one wants to think about that.

Now, letting go.. I'm letting go of the fact that this is no longer in my control. In order for her to get better, for her not to need a new hip at my age, for her to not be in pain(I hope) when she gets older.. I have to get through this now to hopefully prevent it then. I'm letting go of my emotions, per say. I'm a nervous wreck but I'm not letting that stop this surgery. I'm trying to look at this as bettering her future.

Breathing? I'm hoping it'll come soon. No one really goes into a hospital 100% ready to do this. 100% calm and collected. Things will change a week and a half from now. And hopefully for the better.

Her pre-op appointment was today. Got to Pensacola quite early so we walked around Sam's Club for a bit. Headed over and got signed in. Not even sitting for 10 minutes and we got called back. The hubs didn't even make it up from parking the car yet. Ha. In the room, he finally made it up. We went over everything and she's fine. She's still coughing but I'm sure it'll be gone before the 8th. 6am is our check in time. And Wednesday we'll leave to come home as long her pain is under control.

What are these thoughts... Reasonable?

Tonight during work, I was mopping and listening to music.. Minding my own business when these.. thoughts.. popped into my head. Now, I've been thinking about it almost daily. But these thoughts were particularly, well, depressing.

Someone is going to be cutting my daughter's bone. Cutting it. Into two. My two year old. My baby. Now, I know, people and children break bones all the time! It happens. But you don't naturally think "it happens" when a doctor tells you he'll be cutting your child's bone. You get anxious. You get scared. It's one thing that he's cutting into her. We've been there, done that. I'm nervous, yes, but I've been down that worry road. This is a whole new level of driving.

Anaesthesia? Sure, she's been under 4 times now. It has it's risks, but she's handled it so far beautifully. Surgery? Got it. New location, but the last healed perfectly, and we don't worry about our scars, they make us who we are. Cast? Nah, as much as I hate the dreaded thing I'm kinda welcoming it. This will be cast number 3 and I'm actually thinking on asking him to make it fun like two colors this time!

But bone cutting and metal hardware? That's a whole new level I really don't want to unlock. And today was one of those "Am I really having these thoughts?" kinda days.. I even envisioned myself screaming after hitting the waiting room "I change my mind! Don't cut her bone!" In that horrible, ugly, sobbing cry.

I stopped mopping, shook my head and changed the song. The thoughts went away, but I know they'll be back. Like those weird Jehovah witnesses that knock on your door every day over summer. And as the day quickly approaches, I'm sure I'll have a few more freak outs. And the insomniac in me loves to welcome all these thoughts. Just not when I'm sick. Like right now.

And as always, before surgery I try to go clear my mind with painting. I know it'll work for that night, but I think I'm starting to pick paintings that represent stages. This time it's a dandelion with all it's fluff blowing away.

Sick now, healthy later.

A few days ago our son started coughing, well almost a week ago now. Didn't think much of it because he was acting fine otherwise. Have him some cough meds and kept on our week. Tuesday night when I came home from work, the hubs informed me that Alek was running a fever. When I went in to check on him, hiss pillow was soaked in sweat. But the next morning he felt fine, so off to school he went. We went to Pip's appointment and pop picked up Alek.

He still didn't feel all to well that afternoon so I kept him home from school Thursday and Friday. Well, Thursday Pip started to run a fever and cough. Not what I wanted to be experiencing right now. But I suppose if she's sick now, we can keep her healthy more easily later.

I ended up taking both to the Dr yesterday. They both have upper respiratory infections, got cough and fever meds and sent home. Although Alek has list right since a few months ago and the Dr wanted to see Lainee after surgery. Probably curious about the cast and what not, haha. He isn't the first Dr to request a follow up after surgery.. finally got the meds into them last night before bed.

Pip woke up twice overnight coughing/crying. But she settled after the first bout so I didn't go to her. Second time I did and found reddish/brown stuff all over her blanket. In my half sleepy state I initially thought blood, so I frantically checked her all over and finally concluded: vomit. Both baby from coughing so much she threw up the first time. I gave her some more Tylenol for het once again fever and took her to my room, put on cartoons and gave her crackers and pedialyte. She asked to go back to her room and fell asleep, so I went back to bed.

The rest of our day was fighting to take meds and fighting fevers. She was so exhausted after her bath she fell asleep rather quickly. Hoping for a fever free day for her tomorrow. Alek's went away yesterday. 3 weeks and two days until surgery. Let's hope we'll be healthy enough!

Deception. Acceptance.

Found out a few things today. One is I can't stop myself from verbally spewing in conversations. I kept interrupting the poor guy when he was going over Pip's MRI. The hubs even interjected to shut me up.

Anyway.. according to the MRI, her thigh bone is completely discombobulated for lack of a better word. The femoral head is at an angle that isn't normal. When her knee is straight, the head doesn't sit properly in her socket. And so, this must be fixed. So in less than a month (3 weeks, 5 days but who's counting?) she'll be having a Varus Derotation Osteotomy. He'll go in through the thigh and clean out her socket - more on this later - and then cut her thigh bone and then use pins and a bar to put it back together. Then he'll angle it the correct way and close her back up.

Then there will be 3 outcomes. First, and most probable she'll be out in a cast. Downside: Boo, cast, hiss, heavy, immobile, awkward shaping. Upside: immobile(I'm liking this idea for two reasons - no more taking off her diapers and she won't be able to reach the wound.) Plus if she is in it she can't walk so it'll be healing a little faster I'd think.

Outcome number two, which I'm not holding my breath for. She might come out with no cast. Hubs said you should've seen my eyes when he said that! I bet shock and hopefullness were all over my face. 51/49 are the odds. Upside: no cast yay! Downside: um.. what if she tries to walk? What if she falls? She'll most likely try to pull off the bandages. :/ there's a lot of why I think I might take a cast over not, as long as it's not 4 months again.

Last outcome - rhino brace. No cast just put the brace back on her. Okay I could do this one easy. But it still gives her access to the bandages and she knows how to walk in it. Bleh. We'll cross these bridges when they come I guess.

I also found it today that he never did an open reduction. He did a closed reduction. He only cut her open to cut tendons so he could do the reduction. News to me. I was always under the impression this past year that he did an open reduction. Ugh. Made me lose a little trust with him. But not enough to go elsewhere.

So the wait begins. He said it wasn't an absolute hurry to get in there but not something to out off for months. I told him beginning of next month is good with us. We're going to Georgia at the end of this month to see family but I don't want to wait past February. On January 27th we'll go back for pre-op screening and then back on February 8th for probably a two night stay. Gotta have them fax stuff to the RMH for Sunday night, Monday and Tuesday nights. And I know one of us will stay with her the other at the RMH.

Reminiscing can be dangerous..

I've been on a child hip dysplasia Facebook group every since we learned of Pip's diagnosis. They're been SUPER helpful in all my worries, with all my questions, and all the success stories. But a lot of posts cause me to reflect on our progress, our background and our future. I know when I started this blog, I gave a short background of Pip's birth and why(My story of why is on my Facebook), So I won't go into everything. I just want to go back to that day.. The day I don't know about what happened.. The day that no one really does, I'm sure it was a blur for those doctors and nurses as well. I know - from what my husband told me - I was terrified. They had to sedate me to clean out my lungs and put me on a respirator.. That's all that was supposed to happen. Unfortunately my heart couldn't handle it and stopped. So, they had to perform an emergency cesarean sections right there in my SICU room.They had time working against them and had to get the baby out, I'm sure. Any means possible. Hell, my scar runs vertical, not horizontal like my sons'. And it's crooked. Minor things really, even if I complain.

I'm sure Lainee was breech. I was just starting my 29th week of pregnancy, she was still really little and all over the place. I'm pretty positive she wasn't where he could grab her arm or head.. I'm sure it was her left leg. But she got out safely and we both made it past all this without any major complications. In the NICU, my husband and mother-in-law said that she always laid stretched out.. And in all her pictures she's out straight. Barely curled or any different position. And she's always been stubborn, so I'm sure she didn't let anyone manipulate her legs in many ways.

Let me add - I'm not blaming anyone, the doctor or nurses.. The only person I blame is myself, but I can't even do that 100%. People get sick, I get it. It could've happened even if I got my flu shot. I just try to go back to reason - mostly with myself - that this just happened. That things, big or small, just happen sometimes, and there's no stopping them. No "if I could go back.."s.. I don't know if her hip dysplasia outcome would have been different if I could go back. I know I'd get a flu shot, yes.. But would that have helped her situation now? The prematurity side, yes possibly. DDH? Who knows.

Tomorrow we go to follow up the MRI she had a week ago. And I'm sure we'll set the dreaded surgery date. In a way I'm looking forward to hr being immobile. She's really ready to start potty training.. So ready she'll strip her pjs off and diaper when she wakes before us in the mornings.. One morning was a nice poopy surprise. She also asks to go potty.. But once in there she'll sit for a minute then want off. It's a start, and I'd love to welcome it.. But I really don't want to push her to doing this just to have it taken away in a few weeks and her to possibly lose interest in returning to it once the cast comes off. So, we'll hold off.

After, and kinda before, the appointment in December I'v been paying close attention to how she walks. And she teeters a lot.. Which now makes much more sense since her left leg is longer. So part of me knows this is for the best.. But part of me still wishes it'd all be different.

By now you should've somehow realized what you gotta do

My alarm went off at 515 this morning. I got up, got ready, got the hubs up and then went to get pip up. She really isn't a morning person. I mean, she's get mother's daughter for sure! She'll Sleep until 8 if not later if we'd let her. I love sleep, too.

Everyone was in the car by 545. Alek was at pop's overnight so he wouldn't be up so early for school. We headed to Pensacola. And with it being so early, we got there about 30 minutes early. So we took a longer route and got there with about ten minutes to spare.

Second to check in, and once we got checked in we got straight into the room for pre stuff. The nurse and I talked a bit about how this wasn't our first rodeo. She was sedated 3 times before this. Once for her first MRI and then for surgery day and then once again for cast change. So I wasn't worried(too much) about that. I was worried about how she'd do leaving us. And well, she did better than either of us expected. But then again it only takes under 30 seconds to be knocked out by the gas they give.

So at like 810 I strapped her into a little pink car with kitty it only took a little protesting, and she was pushed into one door while the hubs and I left out the other. I got teary eyed and about 5 minutes later the nurse came out and told us she did fine and they'd call us when they were done.

We went to the cafeteria to get food and ate while I informed everyone. By quarter of 9 we headed back to the waiting room to wait another hour. Little to our knowledge as soon as we sat down, my phone vibrated. They were done and we could go back to the recovery room.

She still needed to wake up on her own so we sat there and talked with the nurse. About a few things, pip being a preemie, our whole ordeal back then, and our hip journey so far. She woke up about 930 and immediately grabbed the oxygen mask and handed it to me. Then pulled at the oxygen monitor on her toe. The nurse removed that and the blood pressure cuff and of course Lainee's hand flew for the IV. I stopped her and she got mad, but I kept telling her the nurse would get it out soon. She did and wrapped gauze around her hand rather than a bandaid and Lainee wanted that off too.

By 945 we were back in the car and heading to get her some food. And to think that would have been about the time she'd be going in for registration. So glad we took the earlier offer. Now the next appointment will be on Wednesday. And the nurse brought up an interesting question... If he cuts her femur to shorten her left leg, what if the right leg grows longer later?

Hoping for quiet thoughts until then.

Not much longer..

Today(yesterday?), was interesting.. It all started with a phone call before I even got out of bed this morning.. last week I suspected that pip had an UTI. Her diapers started smelling really fowl and she cried "boo-boo" and pointed each time she peed. It was just over Christmas weekend, of course, on a Sunday. I loaded her up on cran-grape juice and who would have thought, the smell and her fussing went away for the most part. She complained a few times on Monday and so I got get an appointment.

Now, for a toddler who isn't potty trained, getting an urine sample meant catheterization. And the Dr didn't want to risk giving her an infection if she didn't have one and sent me home to get a urine sample via toilet. Pip is pretty ready to be potty trained.. but we have decided to wait until after this next cast. She shows interest in going, but never sits long enough so I thought this would be a pain and not easy to get. I was wrong. That same night we got a sample! The next day we took it to the lab.

This morning I got the phone call saying yes, she did have a uti. Cue the mini freak out, and the only question that pops into my head: "this won't affect her mri on Wednesday, right?" The answer was no, it shouldn't.

Our son also went back to vpk, so for the few hours he was there the hubs took me and pip shopping. She loved taking the escalator with daddy! We had both kids stay with my parents for a few hours to catch a much needed date day after that. We went for Mexican and then saw The Force Awakens. :) I loved it! While at lunch, I received a phone call from the nurse for the MRI. I thought it was to go over medical things.

Wrong! They wanted to switch her and an adult patient before her. Putting pip in earlier, fasting less, and getting done quicker. <Cue mental happy dance> I immediately called the nurse back and accepted. This also means getting up at 5am and making the hour drive over to get her checked in at 7. Oh well. She also takes up two time slots.. why? I'll have to ask. So she'll go back at 8, and we'll probably get to see her at 1030. So no hangry toddler running around at 10am!

I'm also going to bring up the fact that I want one of us to be with her until she falls asleep. She'll be anxious and possibly scared of the new people and place. And I'm sure she won't let anyone take her away from me while conscious! She barely lets the hubby do it. Haha. I'll also be asking the day of surgery for the hubs to accompany her until she's asleep. I would, but if it's anything like last time I'll be barely holding myself together.

So, here it is almost 3am and I'm starting to fret. :/

Making peace with all the hip dysplasia is a struggle, yo.