Shut up, mind.

No call from the Dr yet about that mri. I doubt it'll happen before next month. Christmas is a week away. I should be excited, happy. My father in law said we need a second opinion. I wouldn't even know where to start but it has crossed my mind quite a few times. I think if I could see all her xrays it'd be different. I'm thinking next trip I'm going to ask to see them. My husband will call me overreacting I'm sure. But I think for me to better comprehend these surgeries... I peek at them when they are on screen but I really don't know what I'm looking at. And instead of showing me xrays, the Dr draws it out on the table. Like... Wouldn't it be easier to show me an actual thing?

Thoughts like this make me wary of what he's telling me.. like is it really what he's telling me or does he just want more surgeries, more money, more discomfort for my baby and family. Yes, this is very negative. But I never said my mind is always a happy place. It usually isn't. I'm still working on this.

They always tell you having kids is hard.. But worth it. We found this out to be true while pregnant with our son. Halfway through the pregnancy we found out he only had a two vessel umbilical cord. Multiple problems can come with this. Mostly with the heart.. after a few weeks they thought he had an aortic kink. Many, many ultrasounds later we were relieved that it turned out to be just an enlarged ductus. Worst case scenario was surgery to close it. Never happened like that though. His heart is nearly perfect, just blood flow is backwards. No surgery needed, no precautions, just gotta know.

Then, with Pip. Oh man. I think I still kick myself in the ass for this one. I still blame myself, and I probably always will. I know she's healthy - besides her hip - and her health was never an issue. But she shouldn't have had to come early. And that could very well be a reason why her hip was dislocated. Which, in the end boils down to my fault.

No pity party. No saying it's not. My mil and I were talking tonight. Pip had to be born when she was because I coded. Dead momma, dead baby. And little time to react. Hell, no OR for the procedure either. They had to get her out and fast. So, maybe she was breech. Maybe, just maybe the Dr pulled her out by her left leg a little too hard. Dislocated it. But no one knew. Or thought to check. I'm not blaming him. He saved her life. This is minimal stuff to go through because I have her here with me. But, once again my mind isn't all rainbows and unicorns. And I ultimately blame the person who probably could have prevented all of it at the beginning: me.

As I lay here, staring at her monitor, watching her sleep.. I just want to go in there and lay with her. Snuggle her and tell her we'll get through this. Together. But it wouldn't be for her, she has no clue what is going to happen. It'll be for me.